{"id":3841,"date":"2017-09-19T09:31:45","date_gmt":"2017-09-19T09:31:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/irun.wales\/?p=3841\/"},"modified":"2017-09-19T10:00:49","modified_gmt":"2017-09-19T10:00:49","slug":"monty-youre-always-run-now-running-somebody-gotta-get-somehow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/irun.wales\/cy\/newyddion\/erthyglau\/monty-youre-always-run-now-running-somebody-gotta-get-somehow\/","title":{"rendered":"Monty, you’re always on the run now… Running after somebody, you gotta get them somehow…"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Guest Blog from Wayne who recently went on a jaunt with Hannah!)<\/strong><\/p>\n

A few weeks ago I was contacted by my run buddy Kerrie.\u00a0 Out of the blue she mentioned that a lady she’s running with, Hannah Phillips, was a runner and blog writer.\u00a0 Apparently Hannah had read my blog and liked it.\u00a0 She asked if it would be ok to introduce us, as Hannah wanted to have a chat about it.\u00a0 I said yes and didn’t think much else about it.\u00a0 Fast forward three weeks and I find myself pulling on my new barefoot trainers and getting ready for a 5k run.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I walked through my living room door I noticed my wife, V, hunched over our dining room table and muttering to herself.\u00a0\u00a0 “What you doing?” I asked.\u00a0 As she turns around I notice the pen in her hand and the newspaper on the table.\u00a0 “Just filling in the ’20 Traits of a Psychopath’ quiz” she answers as she looks me up and down.\u00a0 “Going running are you?”.\u00a0 “Yes.\u00a0 You’re not a Psycho by the way” I tell her reassuringly.\u00a0 “It’s not for me.\u00a0 It’s for you”.\u00a0 “Not this again!\u00a0 You’re going to give me a complex.” I reply.\u00a0 Over the last few years, whenever there is something in the paper about “How to Spot a Psychopath” or “Are You Living With a Serial Killer?”, I get sideways glances from across the room, as V scribbles and nods furiously, whilst throwing toiletries into a bag for life.\u00a0 This is usually followed by an ad hoc trip to her Father’s house in Birmingham.<\/p>\n

“I thought you’d given up running.\u00a0 You haven’t been for ages”\u00a0 she comments as she ticks off trait number 5, Lack of realistic long term goals<\/em>.\u00a0 “I’m meeting the people from IRun Wales in Abertillery park.\u00a0 They want to talk about my blog”.\u00a0 “Mmmm.\u00a0 I’m not sure how you can go out like that.” she says.\u00a0 “Like what?” I reply warily.\u00a0 “Wearing a tight, homoerotic top and short shorts.\u00a0 You’re one step away from being wipe clean…\u00a0 I find it extremely attractive and it’s only natural that everyone else will to.\u00a0 Wayne, YOU are a sex god…<\/em>“.\u00a0 This last part is in italics due to the fact that whilst V was talking, I spotted three sheep outside and Monty (the voice in my head) screamed “SHEEEEEEEEP” and started making baaing noises.\u00a0 Therefore I’ve made an educated guess as to the natural conclusion of that conversation.\u00a0 After I’d wrestled Monty back under control I was just in time to hear V say “…and meeting strange men by the bins in Asda”.\u00a0 “Sorry.\u00a0 What?”\u00a0 “You weren’t listening to me were you?!?”\u00a0 she growled.\u00a0 “I was!\u00a0 Admittedly a few sheep went passed the window and I wondered where they were going but I caught most of it”.\u00a0 As she ticked off Poor behaviour control<\/em> and Failure to accept responsibility<\/em> in quick succession, she squints her eyes at me and says “I said that not only do I have to put up with you meeting random men by recycling bins, I now have to put up with you meeting them in parks as well!”.\u00a0 Well I wasn’t having that!\u00a0 “Firstly, he isn’t a random man!\u00a0 His name is Kevin” I told her as I mounted my high horse.\u00a0 “And secondly, I’m meeting a strange woman I met on Facebook!\u00a0 So there”.\u00a0 As the words fell out of my mouth and into my ears, my horse bolted for the backdoor and V declared she wanted a divorce.\u00a0\u00a0 This was followed by her putting a big circle around Promiscuous sexual behaviour<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0 “That went well” announced Monty.<\/p>\n

I finally made it to the park.\u00a0 I was a bit nervous, as I have a terrible track record of social interaction with people on a one to one basis.\u00a0 As I pulled up I noticed that Hannah was driving a van.\u00a0 “Why is she in a van?!?” panicked Monty, “Perhaps she’s one of those kidnappers who sells people into sex slavery” he adds helpfully.\u00a0 “This is why I don’t have any friends.\u00a0 Now shut up” I tell Monty as I mentally prod him back into his cage.\u00a0 “Sure sure.\u00a0 That’s MY fault.\u00a0 If she offers you sweets and tells you she has a litter of puppies in the back, don’t say I didn’t warn you”.\u00a0 I took a deep breath, looked at the laminated “20 Traits of a Psychopath” list V had given me, \u00a0ticked off trait number 1, superficial charm<\/em>, and went to say hi.<\/p>\n

After we said our hello’s Hannah enquired after my new shoes.\u00a0 “Are they barefoot shoes?”\u00a0 she asked.\u00a0 “Yeah, they’re new.\u00a0 I bought them when I was drunk” I replied as I give my feet a little wiggle.\u00a0\u00a0 “Did you put Vaseline on your toes?”.\u00a0 This set Monty off again.\u00a0 “Danger Will Robinson!\u00a0 Danger!\u00a0 DAANNGGEERR!” he shrieked.\u00a0 “I don’t think so.\u00a0 Though I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine”.\u00a0 “Shall we go?” Hannah asked. So we did.\u00a0 “When did you start running?” Hannah asked as we rounded the bend.\u00a0 “About 2 years ago.\u00a0 I started with TFR (Total Fitness Recall)” I reminisced.\u00a0 “Was that with your quilted jogging bottoms?” she mocked.\u00a0 “Yes!\u00a0 Why call something Jogging Bottoms if they’re not suitable for jogging in?!?\u00a0 They should be done under the trades descriptions act!” I whined.\u00a0 “How are the shoes?\u00a0 Did you read my blog about ACTUAL barefoot running?” I was asked.\u00a0 “The one with the Ethical Chef?\u00a0 Yeah I did.\u00a0 It was good”.\u00a0 “He’s stunning!\u00a0 The first thing I said when I saw him was if I’d known he was that beautiful, I would have waxed my mono brow.\u00a0 Also his feet are so soft!”\u00a0 Hannah gushed.\u00a0\u00a0 This made Monty below with laughter.\u00a0 “She never said that to you did she Gorgeous George!!\u00a0 And you thought she was going to kidnap you!”.\u00a0 I ignored the lunatic and kept on running.\u00a0 “So why are his feet so soft?”\u00a0 I asked.\u00a0 “It’s because of the roads.\u00a0 They act as a pedicure.”\u00a0 “Really?\u00a0 What about dog poo?”\u00a0 I asked dubiously.\u00a0 “I’m not sure that’s any good for a pedicure is it?” Hannah asks confused.\u00a0 She then chips in with “I’ve had a terrible year”.\u00a0 I politely asked why.\u00a0 “It all started when George Michael died” Hannah replied.\u00a0 “Big fan then?”.\u00a0 “Not really, but I’m still blaming him.\u00a0 He popped his clogs and my life went down the pan.”\u00a0 “I see.\u00a0 Shame about Brucie wasn’t it?”\u00a0 I offered up.\u00a0 “Wasn’t too bothered about him to be honest, not like that b*****d George”.\u00a0 Hannah said with venom.\u00a0 “My wife thinks I’m a psychopath” I reply cheerfully.\u00a0 “Really?\u00a0 How come?”.\u00a0 “She does those online tests.\u00a0 According to Mark Zuckerberg I’m also a Sociopath” I say with a mixture of pride and concern.\u00a0 “Oh I’ve done those.\u00a0 I’m a happy psychopath!\u00a0 I’ve also self diagnosed myself with Parkinson’s this year as well” Hannah mentions.\u00a0 “Funnily enough I dropped my keys 5 times last week and according to Google I’ve got MS” I say.<\/p>\n

As we run on, we pass a steep banking with a river running through the middle.\u00a0 “I wouldn’t want to run around here on my own, would you?” Hannah says, “Not because I’m afraid of being sexually assaulted but you could end up dead in the river and nobody would know”.\u00a0 This set Monty off again.\u00a0 “Oh here we go!\u00a0 You’re to be a blood sacrifice at the altar of George Michael!\u00a0 Clever” Monty cackled.\u00a0 I’ve read a few books on Norse gods recently, and Monty seems to think that all of life’s issues can now be solved by a blood sacrifice.\u00a0 Our internet was down for three days in July and we had to send the dog to the dog sitters for protection.<\/p>\n

We finished our run back at the car park.\u00a0 It was my first run after about 3 months of being lazy and it felt good.\u00a0 As we said our goodbyes, I thanked Hannah for inviting me to run and got in my car.\u00a0 I closed my door and drove off.\u00a0 Halfway across the car park I wound down my window and I’m pretty sure on the breeze I heard the sound of several small dogs yapping and Hannah’s voice saying “maybe next time my pretties…”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Guest Blog from Wayne who recently went on a jaunt with Hannah!) A few weeks ago I was contacted by my run buddy Kerrie.\u00a0 Out of the blue she mentioned […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":3838,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_bbp_topic_count":0,"_bbp_reply_count":0,"_bbp_total_topic_count":0,"_bbp_total_reply_count":0,"_bbp_voice_count":0,"_bbp_anonymous_reply_count":0,"_bbp_topic_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_reply_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_forum_subforum_count":0},"categories":[78],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nMonty, you're always on the run now... 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